Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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