i permit you to call me
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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