y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
