Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
