My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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