I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
