I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
