CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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