i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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