My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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