Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
