Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
