rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize