Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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