i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
