i love accidental penises.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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