one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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