Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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