Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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