just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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