I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
