i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
