Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
