I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
