if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
