Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
