I wannas sexs uuuuu
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
