rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
