i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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