was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
No I am not eating basil off your cock
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
