You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
