she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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