i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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