you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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