Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's shark week go big or go home
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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