remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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