Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
