Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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