what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
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