my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
