oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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