I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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