He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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