I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
