also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I AM VODKA MAN
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
