In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
