Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
