Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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