Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
