I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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