Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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