but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
