I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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