I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
