guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
