just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
