Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
