So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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