Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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