I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
