I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
